How to Navigate Family Stress During the Holidays: Tips for a Peaceful Season
/The holidays are a time of joy, gathering, and festivity—but let's be honest: they can also be a time of stress, especially when it comes to family. Between differing expectations, old family dynamics, and the pressures of keeping everything "perfect," it’s no surprise that many of us find ourselves feeling overwhelmed. For instance, I once had a client who shared how every holiday dinner was a battleground for impressing their in-laws, which left them feeling completely drained. These kinds of stories are more common than we might think. This post is all about helping you find your footing amidst the holiday chaos so you can genuinely enjoy the season with those you love.
Understanding Holiday Stress: You're Not Alone
The pressure of getting everything right for the holidays is real. Whether it’s ensuring that everyone in the family is happy, putting together a beautiful meal, or navigating sensitive family dynamics—these stressors can add up quickly. According to the Mayo Clinic Health System, holiday stress can stem from financial pressures, social obligations, and even unrealistic expectations, all of which can impact your mental health if not managed properly. And for many men, the burden can feel heavier. Societal expectations often imply that men must always be the strong, stable presence in the room, which can make it even harder to admit feeling the weight of it all. However, these expectations can be shifted. By challenging stereotypes and opening up about emotions, men can create space for vulnerability, ultimately fostering more authentic connections. As a therapist specializing in men's issues, I often see my clients struggle with this during the holiday season.
In my practice in Santa Rosa, California, I work with many men who describe feeling more anxiety around this time of year—worrying about saying the wrong thing, keeping the peace, or simply surviving awkward family moments. I want to assure you that if this sounds like you, you're definitely not alone. Let's talk about how we can turn this stress into an opportunity for connection.
Focus on What You Can Control
Family gatherings bring together a mix of personalities, some of which may clash. For example, there might be someone who always brings up controversial topics or a relative who tends to dominate conversations, making things awkward for everyone else. One key point that I emphasize in both my therapy sessions and couples counseling work is to focus on what you can control. The truth is, you can’t control Aunt Linda’s political comments or your cousin’s knack for showing up late. What you can control is your own response.
Set Boundaries: It’s perfectly okay to say no. According to UC Davis Health, setting limits on your time and energy is essential to avoid overcommitting and to protect your well-being. Whether it's opting out of a conversation that you know will stress you out or deciding to step outside for a few minutes of fresh air, boundaries can be your best friend.
Have an Exit Strategy: If things get tense, plan a graceful exit. UC Davis Health suggests having a strategy for moments when stress becomes overwhelming, such as taking a short walk, practicing deep breathing, or even leaving the gathering altogether. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish—it's essential for your mental health (UC Davis Health).
Communicate Clearly: Be open about what you need. If you're feeling overwhelmed, express that calmly. Partners and close family members can often be allies in navigating these tricky moments, but they need to know what you’re experiencing.
Dealing with Emotional Baggage: Holiday Triggers
The holidays are notorious for stirring up old feelings. Even as adults, we can revert to the roles we played as kids—the peacemaker, the jokester, the "good son." Consider taking some time to journal about these roles before the holiday gatherings. Reflecting on these patterns can help you recognize them and consciously choose how you want to respond differently. Johns Hopkins Medicine also suggests practicing mindful reflection to reframe negative emotions and increase your emotional resilience during family interactions (Johns Hopkins Medicine). These roles can create pressure, especially when you’re striving to be seen differently. If there are past issues that resurface year after year, it might be time to consider a different approach.
Practice Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness during family gatherings can help you stay grounded. According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, techniques like deep breathing, mindful observation, and even taking a brief pause before responding can help reduce stress levels and keep you centered amidst holiday chaos. The Mayo Clinic emphasizes mindfulness as an effective way to handle stress by staying present in the moment and reducing reactivity, which can significantly improve your holiday experience. Pay attention to how your body reacts—is your chest tightening during a particular conversation? Are you holding your breath? Taking a few slow, deep breaths can help you stay in the moment and reduce emotional reactivity.
Reframe Expectations: Holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. Embrace the small, genuine moments. A hug, a shared laugh, or a simple "thank you" can mean more than the perfectly laid-out dinner table. Remind yourself that you don't have to impress anyone—you're allowed to just be.
Strengthening Your Partnerships During the Holidays
Couples counseling has taught me that the holiday season is an opportunity to deepen our partnerships, provided that communication stays open. Specific techniques like using 'I' statements to express feelings without blaming and practicing reflective listening can make a big difference in understanding each other's needs. The key to navigating family stress as a couple is teamwork. I often work with couples on establishing shared goals and expectations before the holidays hit full swing.
Talk Before the Event: Sit down with your partner and discuss each other’s stressors and triggers. Create a plan to support each other if things get tense. Knowing that your partner is in your corner can make all the difference.
Create Signals: It could be as simple as squeezing each other’s hand to signal "I need help," or "I’m here for you." Couples who work together as a team often experience less stress during family events.
How EMDR Can Help Break the Cycle of Holiday Stress
Some of the stress we experience during the holidays isn’t just about the present moment—it’s rooted in past trauma. If you’ve had difficult experiences around family gatherings in the past, these can leave a lasting imprint that surfaces year after year. I’ve used EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) in my practice to help clients move through these past painful experiences and gain new perspectives.
EMDR helps to reprocess those memories so they don’t have the same emotional charge they once did. By addressing underlying triggers, many of my clients find that the holidays become less of a burden and more of an opportunity for new, positive experiences.
Creating New Traditions
One of the best ways to navigate family stress is to create your own meaningful traditions. Instead of getting caught up in the "way things have always been done," think about what you and your partner or immediate family can do that brings genuine joy.
Make Time for You: Take a morning hike, go kayaking, or even play a board game—something just for you that you enjoy and that brings a sense of calm and joy. Personally, I find kayaking and hiking are great ways to decompress, and they often allow me to reset my energy during busy times.
Less Can Be More: Instead of attending every single holiday event, decide which ones genuinely matter to you. UC Davis Health recommends focusing on quality over quantity to prevent exhaustion and truly enjoy meaningful moments with loved ones. Sometimes, it’s the simpler moments that end up meaning the most (UC Davis Health).
Embrace Imperfection
At the end of the day, the holidays will never be perfect. There will always be someone who says the wrong thing or a dish that doesn’t turn out as planned. But what if we let go of perfection and embraced the messy, authentic reality instead? The laughter, the love, the occasional chaos—it’s all part of what makes us human. And isn’t that what family is all about?
Final Thoughts: You Deserve Peace
Navigating family stress during the holidays is a challenge, but it’s also an opportunity to grow, connect, and strengthen relationships. The key is to approach it intentionally—set boundaries, communicate clearly, and remember to care for your mental health. If holiday stress is taking too much of a toll, seeking therapy can be a powerful way to find balance.
If you’re interested in exploring how therapy, couples counseling, or even EMDR might help you get through the holidays with more peace, don’t hesitate to reach out. It might just be the best gift you give yourself this season.